My cousin had a baby yesterday.  My cousin is only a few months younger than I am.  She is engaged and starting a family.  I am so happy for her, but what I think is funny is that while she is doing that, I am here, single, and working on my senior year of college.  

Lately (well the past day or so), I have been thinking a lot about the different paths our lives take and the ride that God takes us on.  For the first however many years of our lives, we are told exactly what track we are supposed to follow: education.  Slowly as you grow older, you have more choices available to you: classes, extracurricular, furthering your education, etc.  Then if you go to college you have those 4 years mapped out, and maybe more depending upon the career path that you choose.  

My main point is, there comes a point when you are not being told what to do anymore.  You may have basic things that people tell you: have a job, have a family, provide for said family, do whatever makes you happy.  But the beauty of that point is that you can do really whatever you want, and the path is up to your choosing. 

I think this is something that hit me really hard because of how close my cousin and I are in age, and how close I am to graduation: 10 months!  It's crazy that these first 22 years of my life are coming to a close quicker than I would have realized.  It's weird that these first 22 years are so important, but I hopefully have about triple that number of years left.

Trying to decipher what God has in store for me is a pain.  It's like trying to teach a dog to meow... not gonna happen!  This path that God is taking me on is mine and it's weird to think that none else has been down this path, but it is also very encouraging.  

This is my life.

Mom Mum Mommy!

When I was in elementary school there was this kid.  I don't remember his name or anything, I just remember that he constantly would play the "my mommy died" card.  Now I know this is something challenging to deal with, but it was 5 years after the fact, and it was something that was constantly annoying to us (let's be honest... elementary age kids don't understand).  Looking back on it I can realize that it is a cry for attention, but then I saw it as nothing other than annoying.

Kids need their moms.  And not to say that if you grow up without one you are going to be messed up, because that isn't true.  I know lots of single fathers who raised their children well.  I'm just saying that having a mom, or a female figure to look up to, is important.

I cannot imagine the world without my mom.  She has constantly been there for me over the past 21 years of my life.  She aggravates me like no other, and knows how to get on my nerves, but at the end of the day she is probably one of my best friends.  I can tell her anything, and I never have felt like she didn't want me there.  I don't know what I would do without her.

I have been so blessed by having a great mom who has always supported me and been there for me through everything: health problems (there have been a lot of those), broken hearts, friend problems, school drama, life transitions, and more.

I love you mom!

One of my favorite Family Guy moments! ^

Achromatic or Neutral

If you could ask Jesus anything, what would it be?

I saw a picture with this question on it on a website earlier, and it really got me to thinking.... what would I ask Jesus if I could ask him one question face-to-face?

With all the current hype going on in the country, my question would probably be something a long the times of, "Is homosexuality a sin?" Just right upfront with it!

Then I got to thinking how Jesus would answer this.  It would probably be something ambiguous, like a parable, or a statement like, "What do you say it is?" or "What do I say it is?" (Jesus speaks nothing about homosexuality btw).

Not particularly helpful, but that's how Jesus often answered the people He personally came in contact with, and I kind of think that's how He answers us today.  Because maybe the answer isn't always black or white... and maybe God wants it to be that way for a reason.

We live in a culture where we want things to be finite, decisive, and concrete.  We want things to be black and white.  What if, just maybe, God wants us to think about things and maybe not reach a concrete answer?  What if his answer, when it all boils down to it, is to trust him.  As Christians we believe that God is all knowing, all knowing, all loving, and all wise.  And this doesn't go with just the homosexuality question.  It also brings me to think about the future a lot.  It reminds me of that saying, "God always answers prayers, just sometimes he answers, 'no', or 'wait".

Maybe we should just give him a little bit more control, and trust him in the grey.

The stars at night are big and bright

I love Texas.  I have lived in the Lone Star State since I was 5.  Before then I lived in New Jersey and Maryland, but I don't really remember it.  I have little memories of snow... but other than that there isn't much.  I fit the cliche saying, "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as soon as I could!"  My brother fits it better though; he was literally 3 months old when my family moved here!

I love Texas, but a lot of typical Texas stuff it has taken me a while to adjust to, being born a Yankee and all.  I don't own cowboy boots, although I really want some.  They're just super expensive!  Last semester I went to a western semi-formal wearing boots that fit, but they didn't have quite the same effect.  This past summer I started to like country music... I used to hate it.  I've started playing guitar in the last few months.  I drive all over Texas!  I35 and I are besties!  During the month of October I was in Austin the first weekend, Dallas the second, San Antonio the third, and Waco the forth... not to mention other places I've driven over the past year.

I love Texas.  I love looking out over the hills as I'm driving and just enjoying God's creation!  I love the heat (crazy yes), the bluebonnets, the Christian culture, and the barbeque.  I would not trade growing up here at all!

However, one this that I have grown to hate is that I feel like I'm thrown into a box.  Now this doesn't have to do with Texas specifically, but Texas/Baylor/Republican land/Bible belt/going into ministry....

People assume that because of all those things, that I have specific views on things.  No, just because I am a Christian, go to Baylor, and am a religion major does not mean that I hate homosexuality.  In fact, I don't.  I have a lot of good friends that are homosexual, and am pro gay marriage because of the separation of church and state.  Then it's the church's decision to marry them or not.  I am pro-choice... I don't think the government should have a say in whether I choose to abort a child or not, although I personally cannot see myself doing that.  And honestly, much to my friends and family's disdain, I am between liberal and conservative on economic issues.

I am not a republican.  I am not your typical southern Baptist Christian.  Going to Baylor has actually just made me more liberal.

I love Texas, I really really do.  I want to get married and raise a family here.  But at this stage in my life, I want to get out.  I want to experience more of the world and not be stuck inside this Christian bubble.  Don't get me wrong, I love it... it's just time to get my wings out and fly.

Just Walk Away

"There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living!"- anonymous

Would You Rather....

I'm actually updating this from my phone... Yay smart phones!!

Anywho, during the summer I like to play a game with my campers to pass time. It is called "Would you rather?". In this game I give them a choice of two things and they have to choose. Some of my personal favorites from this last summer were, "would you rather never get married or never have kids?", "Would you rather never brush your teeth or never take a shower?", and "would you rather fall in love with a lamp post or never fall in love?".

Now I am in my 4th semester of Hebrew and am mentally finished. Everyone in that class is... including our professor!  However, I currently need to be studying.

Here are some things I would rather be doing:

Facebook.... 'nuh said.  I signed out so I would study.... maybe.

Stare blankly out this window... and see the guy sleeping, that's a good option as well!

Play this piano.

But this doesn't work.... unfortunately.  This is what I have to remind myself:

So let's be honest::

Would you rather never graduate or study for an hour?

... sigh...

Give me your eyes for eternity!

God continually blesses me through Camp Cho-Yeh.  I can't even begin to describe it.  Just driving into Livingston I am swamped by the overwhelming feeling of being back in a place where I know God is present, where I have so many good memories, and where so many of my closest friendships have sprouted.

This past weekend I went to camp again.  They were having Family Fun Day, which is basically like a premiere day for camp.  Families get to experience camp a little before they send their children there for a week.  They get to see some of the staff, activities, and the beautiful camp itself.

The actual event was on sunday for about 6-7 hours.  I got there the day beforehand, however, to help set up and such.  We filled goody bags for retreat groups, painted, talked, moved hundreds of chairs (no exaggeration), cleaned inflatables, and had a good time doing it.  It's funny how I forget how camp is hard work.  My body is aching today after not working at camp for 9 months.  Over the past 3 years, camp has changed me a lot and made me a harder, more diligent worker.  I am thankful for that.

After we were done with all of that, we had a opportunity to go worship with the band that would be playing the next day.  I don't think any of us specifically knew what this meant, so we were kind of apprehensive about it at first since we only had one night at camp, and we wanted to catch up and such.  We ended up going, and honestly, it was some of the best worship I have had in a long time!  I think all of us were so grateful that we went.  It was a group of college-age kids from the School of Worship around Tyler, Texas.  They had a guitar, a djembe, and their voices in this intimate, acoustic, worship time.

As I started to worship and dive into a more intimate setting with God, I quickly became aware of my walls, the scars that had edged themselves into my heart recently, and the opinions of others... many of whom weren't even in the room.

Being a religion major and studying theology, I get so bombed down with theological stuff: interpretation, denomination, salvation concepts, etc.  I do think that this stuff is very important, but it gets in the way.  For me, many of the walls that I had were those of theology.  "Well people are saying this when the Bible really means this...", "That's very Calvinistic/ Armeniest...", "Do I personally agree with what they are saying?".  These kind of things can really get in the way, because sometimes all we need to do is worship God, completely let go, and just let God take control.

Over the past few months I have been dealing with several things that have left scars on my heart.  The loss of friendships, not allowing other people's faith to impact mine, carrying burdens, church shopping, etc.  My heart has scars and over the past few weeks specifically, I have begun to notice those scars.  Knowing the symptoms is the first way to healing.

Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about what other people in my life would think of my relationship with Christ.  I know that this is often a reflection of what I believe their relationship is, but it can be challenging.  Sometimes we care too much about what those around us think.  A relationship with God is something that is so personal that it hurts when we know others don't appreciate it or look at it in the same way we do.

So this worship was really needed.

A couple of the most impacting moments for me where when we were singing "Set a Fire" and the lyrics "there's no place I'd rather be than here in your arms" were sung.  It's funny how I can sing those words, yet my times with God have become more scarce and fragmented.  It's hard when you get caught up with life and the business of it to recognize your need for God.  We get so wrapped up in our ideas of theology, our own bruises and scars, our own plans, and other's opinions that it becomes hard to recognize our longing to be at the feet of Jesus.  And even then, once we recognize it, sometimes it becomes challenging to actually do it (kind of like working out).

One of the most transforming times for me was when they were prophesying.  Personally I think there is nothing wrong with telling a person what you believe God is telling you to tell them, if it is truly spirit led.  I have done it, but only when I know that it is God speaking.  You can often tell based on a person's heart and the way they live their life whether or not you take their prophesying seriously.

Something that one of them said hit me so hard.  In that moment I felt some of my scars being scrapped away and walls falling.  All I cared about was God and his love and my personal relationship with Him. In this moment he was telling me that he had unfailing love for me, and that his plan for me wasn't going to change just because of circumstances in my life.  God is doing so much in my life right now, and even though it is a confusing time for me, I can evidently see that.

The rest of the weekend was filled with friends, hard work, belaying for hours, memories, new memories, rain, and Jesus.

I am so blessed by Cho-Yeh!