Excuse Me While My Thoughts are Scattered

Lent blog #2

Excuse me while my thoughts are scattered.  Doing a blog a day means that I don't have as much time to mull over issues and write and rewrite until things are fully comprehended.

This semester I've been taking an Urban Missions Issues class.  I have been learning a lot about a wide variety of topics ranging from how churches interact with their communities, how they engage the communities in which they are located, how they embrace the theology of mission, and how they deal with issues such as trafficking, mental illness, and disaster to name a few.  This has helped me to start thinking about a wider range of issues than what churches normally just think about.  It has also helped me to start thinking about how we as Christians, as churches, and as ministries approach different people, different issues, and the things that Jesus preached in the Gospels.

I think one of the reasons why I haven't written much this semester is because I have been trying to wrap my head around my experiences in this class, in my research for my graduate assistantship about international social work as mission, as well as my experience on a mission trip to New York over this past spring break.  Often when we think about mission we think of it being international and far off.  This semester God has been putting it close by.  He has been challenging me in many ways, many of which I don't understand.  He's going to do something with this I'm certain.  I just don't understand it or know what yet.

And that's something that is bothering me.  Here I am at a great school, creating great relationships, networking, putting things on my resume, and following what I feel God is calling me to... but I feel like I'm not doing anything.  I feel like I can talk all I want about the church having a mission focus, what that mission focus should be, how we should embrace God's creation, work with poverty, and love and serve others... but if I'm not living out what I'm saying, what good is that?

I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for the next three years to go by so I can have these two new degrees in my hand that say "Master of Divinity" and "Master of Social Work", and then I can go.

I know this is silly, because I know that God is going to use me.  And I know that he is using me.  I know that he has positioned me so that I can be in a place to learn and develop a skill set.  This semester has been a hard one and a struggle at times, but I don't doubt that it's true.  I think that sometimes when God is using me I don't even realize it.  I am just doing what I feel God wants me to.  I know I need to be better at listing to his call for my life.

God, grant me discernment, passion, and drive.

Love you, I do

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.   

-1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a

I think the idea of Valentine's is a great one-- a day to celebrate love!  How awesome is that!?  In our culture we stop and have a day in which we honor the loved ones in our lives-- mostly just our significant others... but other friends and family as well.  However, sometimes it seems that Christians forget what love is when it comes to the overwhelmingness of Valentine's Day in the world we live in today.  Now let me explain:

In our society there almost seems to be this divide that comes... are you in a relationship or are you not?  And if you are a Christian and older and single we come up with reasons for this... "God is just waiting to show you the love of your life".  "You need to work on your relationship with God more and then he will show you".  "You're too picky".  "God wants to use you as you are right now".. etc, etc.

I think there is a lot wrong with the Christian mentality over singleness.  After all, Jesus and Paul were single as far as we know... and they are the two most prominent figures of the New Testament.  Read this article if you want to read more about this.  A friend showed it to me today.  It does a far better job at saying this than I ever would.

What remains is the notion that there seems to be a division between those who have a relationship, and those who do not.

It seems that society has defined Valentine's Day by dividing people into these two categories-- the haves and the have nots.  AKA- those who consider February 14th to be a day of teddy bears, hearts, and chocolate, and then those who become more aware of their singleness, have an ever lasting resentment for all people of the opposite gender, and wait for the next day to buy cheap chocolate. 

But as Christians is that really the way that we should look at it?

Most people know that Valentine's Day is celebrated because of the life of Saint Valentine, but not many know his story.  There is much confusion around the origin around Saint Valentine.  According to The History Channel, there were several different Valentines that we could look at through church history, including a pope.  However, the guy that this holiday is said to honor was a priest who helped Christians under Claudius II.  He would marry Christian couples and help Christians to escape persecution.  For this he was eventually taken and executed.  He was stoned, clubbed, and then beheaded on February 14, 269.

Valentine's Day, which may have been invented by Chaucer in the Middle Ages in his "Parliament of Fowls", is therefore a day that we celebrate the martyrdom of a saint by eating chocolate, giving or receiving flowers, and going on romantic dates.... that seems a little odd, but that's just me.

One of the primary questions that we need to ask ourselves is, what is love?

All throughout the Bible we see examples of God's love for us.  From Genesis through creation and the ancestral narratives... we see love.  Through the quest to land in the Holy Land... we see love.  Through prophets... we see love.  Through Jesus and the Gospels... we see love.  Through Paul's love for his God and for the people of the nations... we see love.  This list is not final.  Through everything... we see love... and we see God.

In 1 John 4, we see that God is love and our definition and example of love is to come from him.  And because of that, the separation of those who have a significant other and those who don't seems irrelevant.  If Valentine's is a day of love, then I think maybe first we need to recognize the love that God has for us.  God is the embodiment of love.  In response we ought to love him.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers". --1 John 3:16

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God". --1 John 4:12

What does it mean to love other people?  

The more I think about it the more convinced I am that the modern concept of Valentine's Day is a ploy for consumerism.  Shouldn't we show our loved ones that we love them all year?  Shouldn't we show our boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses that we love them and appreciate them all the time?  We can definitely celebrate it on Valentine's day, but this is not exclusively the extent to which God is asking us to love in the Bible.  While we're celebrating our significant others, we need to remember God's love for us.  And in response of that-- our love for him and for others.

I'm thinking as I'm writing here... but what if we saw Valentine's Day not only as a day of romance, but as a day also of love for others in response to God's love for us?  In a way, isn't that what the Bible talks about?  What if churches, Christian organizations, and Christians alike served others on this day and showed them that they are loved by the epitome and the essence of love?

Since God loved us, we should love each other.  If we love each other, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.  After all, God is love!  And since he first loved us, we should love our brothers and sisters in the same manner.*  

Here is a website with some little ways to volunteer.  It's kind of late for this year... but hey! there's always next! :: http://casefoundation.org/spotlight/valentines

*Paraphrased from 1 John 4:11, 16-21

Socially Acceptable

The past couple days I've been thinking about social conventions-- things that we do or ways that we dress that are not necessarily for ourselves but for the benefit and comfortability of others.

I'm not talking about streaking or anything.  I like clothes and think that there is importance in being modest.

I am talking about things even more subtle than that.

Let me give you a couple examples:

A few years ago I went deaf in one of my ears.  I've learned to live with it and it's not that big of a deal to me now most days, but I still wear two headphones when I listen to music in them.

Think about that for a second.... Why would a person who cannot hear AT ALL in her left ear wear two headphones?  I'll give you a few reasons.  First, it's more comfortable, especially if I'm going for a run or working out.  Second, and primary, it's so that people won't think I'm rude when I don't answer them.  If I'm sitting in the library and working and someone comes up and starts talking to me and I don't have a headphone in... they're gonna think I'm aloof and rude.  That's not how I choose to present myself.

My second example is a little different...

I had surgery on my head a little over a month ago.  Since then I have been wearing headbands everyday to help hide my scar and my hair loss.  However, lately I have really just not wanted to worry about it and to wear my hair down.  That won't do though...

There is something unforeseen in society about seeing the little imperfections.  We want to ignore these things... in the case of my scar, someone may find it gross, or in the case of my hearing, it's inconvenient.

This morning I got up, took a shower, and began to do my hair.  I looked at myself in the mirror.  Although it didn't match up to what I would necessarily want for my hair, it is who I am right now.  It won't always be that way, but right now it is.  I looked at myself and what I saw was beautiful.  It was a girl who has been through so much lately, and working through it day to day.  It was a girl who has been struggling with body image her entire life, like most people, but learns to see herself through the eyes of Christ.  I just wanted to braid my hair right then or to wear it down and proud... because I am proud of who I am.  I've fought long and hard to become that person.

... but then I remembered other people.  With work, meetings, hanging out with friends, and other responsibilities today, I knew that the right thing would be to be "socially acceptable".

How much do we let others define who we are and what we think of ourselves?

When in Egypt...

In late November Baylor had an away game.  Some friends and I were trying to figure out how to watch it, and eventually ended up going over to one friend's house.  While we were sitting there watching our team lose for the first time all season, we started to want food.  Then one friend sitting there chimes in with how she heard that in Egypt most restaurants will drive food to you.

Needless to say, we began to wish we were in Egypt.

Later that evening we found ourselves driving an hour further into the state of Texas (which really isn't hard since it takes 12 hours to get from the top of the state to the bottom, and even longer than that when driving from East to West).  We imaged ourselves going to Egypt and going on this adventure in our minds.  We found ourselves listening to music, laughing at one friend making up cheesy Christian children's songs, and enjoying the company and intimacy that only a road trip through Texas at night provides.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about road trips and driving.

I think there are several reasons for this.  First off, the experience I described above reminded me of my love of these trips.  Secondly, I live in the great state of Texas.  Road trips in Texas, especially central and east Texas, are like no where else.  Wild flowers in the spring, corn fields in the summer, and sunsets in the fall and winter.  Texas really is a special place.

The third, and possibly the most prominent reason is because I recently had this ability taken away from me.  If you follow my blog you know that I have had some health issues over the past months.  This blog is not a place to describe them, but due to some recent complications, I am not allowed to drive for six months.

In all honesty, I am not coping with this news very well.

I am a pretty independent person.  I love driving around by myself, listening to worship or folk music loudly, harmonizing, or listening and learning from National Public Radio (NPR).  Over the past couple of weeks with adapting to this change, I have realized that car time is one of the few times I love to be introverted.  I spend time with God, listening to music, and thinking.  It is my me time.  And in a rushed, modern world, that is invaluable.

It is winter break, so I am home from school for a month.  Believe me, without the ability to drive and not having as many friends at home (as is what happens when we grow older), this is becoming increasingly challenging.  

The other night my dad was driving me home from visiting some family on the other side of the metroplex.  While we were driving I learned something very important about myself and about the world in which we live.  Over the past couple of years I have become increasingly aware of how much the music I grew up listening to in the car influenced the person I've become.  

When I drove with my dad we would listen to Classical 101.1 and point out the different musical elements and instruments to one another.  We would also listen to NPR together from time to time listening to variety acts on saturday afternoons and Car Talk on sundays after church (I didn't and still don't like this show... mostly 'cause I'm not a car person).  Riding in the car with my father taught me how to listen.  I'm a natural talker, but riding in the car with him helped to learn to focus on the little things and to differentiate 3/4 and 6/8 meters as well as the oboe from the clarinet.  In the past couple years one of my close friends has been an intern for the NPR station in Waco, KWBU.  I have grown to love NPR.  One of my best friends called me one day and told me she wanted to get dinner with me that night just so we could discuss something she heard on the station earlier in the day.  Due to my experience riding in the car with my dad, I am more aware of the world, more cultured, a musician, and was a music minor in college.

With my mom, we listened to more Top 40 songs.  While this didn't make me cultured in the same way, it kept me up to date with pop culture.  I loved and still love singing and listening to music with my mom.  I also talked more with her!

One of the things that has stood out the most to me recently from riding with my mother was when I was little.  She had these Peter, Paul, and Mary children's tapes.  I grew up with "Puff the Magic Dragon", "Blowing in the Wind", and "This Land is Made for You and Me" as my friends.  It wasn't until my senior year of college that I learned that these songs are anti-violent 1960's politically charged, folk songs.  That blew my mind.  To me they are children's songs.  But now they're some of my favorites, and my Peter, Paul, and Mary Pandora station is one of my most visited.  

I have realized the importance of car rides.  Whether my memories are from the deep conversations I've had with friends in the car, the awkward third wheel times, listening to music, or long church trips with a book opened and Mumford and Sons in my ear, in this day and age, car rides are very important.  I think we often neglect to think about how important they are.

I'm going to really miss having my car this semester.  The thing I'm going to miss the most is the atmosphere that it allows me to have-- the deep thinking, the belting and harmonizing, or the stillness.  

But I've also been trying hard to think of it another way.  Not having a car means that I'm going to have to depend more on those around me-- the friends and the family that I have established over my 23 years of living and my almost 5 years of living in Waco.  It means that I will get to create new memories and experiences.  It means that I get to learn from more friends, our conversations, their music, or the stillness of the ride.  It means that I get to take a step out of my life and learn from those around me.

Thinking back to the ride with those friends on that chilly November night, I realized that I think the best when riding in the silence of cars.  The roar of the engine and the company of those around me comforts me.

Sitting in the silence, with the folk music lightly playing on the stereo, enjoying each other's presence, but needing no words...

Then a friend asks, "Hey guys, remember that time we went to Egypt?"

Posing the Questions

A few weeks ago in class we were talking about food.  You'll probably find that this is a topic of interest for this blog going forward.  It's something that I have begun to be more interested in, and something that a lot of my focus in grad school will likely go around.

The basic idea of this particular class is that everything we do is worship, and we are to be constantly outpouring ourselves to others in a missionary way that is not separate from our worship.  We look at how that influences various elements of the Christian walk and of corporate worship.  The particular day I'm talking about, we looked at the Eucharist (Lord's Supper, Communion...).

We talked about various elements and things regarding it, but slowly by slowly we started discussing how food is something that our society revolves around.  Everyone has to eat, so we talked about how having a meal with someone is something you do when you want to know him or her.  We talked about how the church today needs to do more of that.

The theology of food has begun to be very interesting to me.  The thing that stuck out to me that day in class though, is the concept of gluttony.  Unfortunately we didn't really talk much about it the rest of the class though.

Gluttony... one of the seven deadly sins.  But in a culture that is so inwrapped with the availability and (hypothetical) fulfillment of food, it is one that we often ignore.  I would argue that the church is wrapped up in gluttony.  While free food isn't a bad thing, we expect it at church, come to church for it, and have it in every aspect of our Christian lives.  Fasting is a foreign concept to many 21st century Christians.

So what does gluttony mean for us as Christians?  Especially when one of our tools of evangelism is sitting around a table together?  Should evangelism involve food?

How do we as Christians see the goodness of God's creation in light of how we eat?  And how do we help feed others when we have this same mindset?

Some of the final questions that I'm left to ponder begin with me asking, what does the food that I eat say about my theology?  What does it say about the way that I view God and creation?  Am I honoring God with what I'm putting into my body?  If my body is a temple, how am I honoring it?  After all, you can tell a lot about how a person feels about themselves, their life situations, the way they view the world, and the way they view God, by what they put in their bodies.  The grocery store fascinates me for that reason.

Yes, this post has a lot of questions, but now you get to see a glimpse of what goes on within my mind.  I don't have many answers, and I don't think I ever will fully, but I hope that over the next several years God shows me what he wants me to see.  One of my professors, everyday in class, says that the important thing is not that we know the answers to all the questions, but that we know how to ask the right questions.  I think this is a start.

The Test

I've been having a lot of health issues lately.  I won't get into that on here because it is neither the time 'nor the place for it.  Please ask me if you want to know.  But basically, I have had a lot of tests done and will most likely have surgery this coming Christmas break.

Several people have been telling me that maybe this difficult time, along with several other difficult health times, like when I lost my hearing or with all my vertigo issues, are meant to test my faith.  Lately I've been thinking about what that really means, and I struggle with it.

If this is testing my faith, it means that my faith is dependent on the good things in life.  Is it?  Is the foundation of my faith in God dependent on things going well for me?  So much so that if things go badly I begin to doubt even the very existence of this God that I sing praises of exultation to?  If I'm saying and singing that God is the healer, provider, and is sovereign, does the way that I live and the way that I deal with difficult situations reflect this?

I think that a major contributor to this issue comes when we say that because we are Christians (or because we're Christians in America for that matter), God will act on behalf of us and that only good things will happen.  You laugh, but I hear these words stated all the time, and I'm not quite sure if it's biblical (the prayer at a Baylor football game this week said this for example).  Sure all things are possible with God, prayer works, and God works for those who love him... but that doesn't mean that life will be easy.  We have this formula for life that we don't want to deviate from -- get an education, go to a good college, have a good social life, get married, have a good job, have kids, then grow old with your spouse, get sick, but still die happy.  And we think that we are entitled to it.  This is so much ingrained in us that when life shies away from this perfect formula, we assume that God, or the universe, has turned and deserted us.

We can say that we don't have these expectations for life, but that would be lying to ourselves.  We have this mentality in our society that if we're 30 and not married, unable to have children, get divorced, lose our job or a loved one, have a child with illness, or have sexual inclinations towards the same sex, that God is working against us or has abandoned us.  We assume that God must be distancing himself.  We put God into a box and are unable to contain it when situations are out of that box and God is unable to be contained or defined by our mortal constraints.

Maybe God is stronger and larger than we know.

If faith "is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" (Hebrews 11:1), then why do the things mentioned before make us doubt our faith?  God doesn't promise us that life will go according to our plan.  If we are sure of what we hope for and certain of what we don't see, then testing of faith is irrelevant because we are already certain of it.  God exists despite the hard times.  Our certainty in him goes beyond the frailness of our humanity.

The way we look at difficulties says a lot about what we believe about God.  Are we making him to be small, where anything that stretches that view makes us doubt him?  or is God big?  Abounding?  Stronger and wiser than all?

Maybe instead of looking at these things as a test, we should look at them as God working and being active.  Maybe God isn't letting go to test our faith, but is instead simply reminding us that he is sovereign.  Throughout everything, he is the only constant.  He is unfathomable.

All this should remind me that when I get a diagnoses from a doctor that isn't what I want, or when a boy breaks my heart, or when I wonder what the heck is going on in the world, that God is still sovereign.  My faith is in him, his death, and resurrection on the cross.  My faith is not in my health or another person.  My faith is in the one who is larger than all that.  My faith is in Jesus, and I am certain of what I don't see.

FYI- Not the way I feel, just fits the feel of my blog post. 

Lest We Not Forget

On September 11, 2001, I was sitting in my 5th grade classroom as the teachers were frantically deciding how to tell us what happened, and parents were coming to pick their children up from school.  Really, I was just hoping my mom would come pick up my brother and me from school... maybe that's bad, I don't know....I was 10 and didn't even know what the World Trade Towers were.

What I remember after that is a craziness of patriotic feelings that engraved themselves within the hearts of working men and women, parents, senators, and children who didn't really know what they were being taught.  I didn't really understand the gravity of what happened, but what I did understand was the feeling of unity and of being a part of something bigger than myself.  That is the first time I recall feeling that way about something besides my family.

So patriotic feelings were really important to me.  And so were all the songs.  "God Bless America", "America the Beautiful", "God Bless the USA".  Music is one of the ways in which I feel closest to God. This was no exception.

But as I have grown older, and especially in the past couple of years, I have been struck by a few things.

Remembering 9-11 is great!  Remembering the lives that died in the saving of others or just that fell under the rubble, is important.  But I think that we do ourselves and our religion a disfavor when we say things like "God bless America" and then go off into a war and kill thousands of innocent men, women, and children because we had a couple of towers come down and our sense of security was taken for a week or so.  What about the sense of security of those people who live in war zones and haven't felt secure for years?  What about the sense of fright that people in other countries have?

We are in a war, yet we are hardly dealing with the repercussions of it.  It is not on our soil and we are not having to face the reality of death right before our eyes on a daily basis.  In fact, I forget that we are in war most days.  People are dying everyday in other countries, and sadly, I don't think we really care because they are around the world and different from us.  But are they really that different?  Sure they may speak a different language, learn differently, or have a different religion, but they still breath, they still love, and they still exist.

I have heard 9-11 referenced to as "the most Beverly Hills version of a war zone".  While it is horrible,  it places some sense of reality on the situation.  Here in America we focus so much on making 9-11 a memorial for the thousands of people that passed away, and while I'm not saying that those lives aren't important and don't deserve to be honored, because they do, we need to remember those in other countries who are passing away daily.  Just because something happened on American soil doesn't make it anymore tragic than a car bombing or the massacre of innocent people elsewhere.  I don't think God looks at things that happen to America as any more tragic.

Jesus says to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Somehow I don't think he just means those in our own countries.  I think he means those with whom we differ.  Those with whom we clash.  Jesus calls us to love.  I have trouble gathering in my head that loving others is exclusive to where they live or what religion they adhere to.  And I have trouble accepting that Jesus only blesses the US.  I'm fairly sure that if he calls us to make disciples of all nations, he must love all nations.

But I digress.

So here's to 9-11.  Here's to the thousands of men and women who died from the events, or sacrificed their lives.  Here's to the thousands of families and loved ones these events have effected this side of the ocean, and the other.  Here's to the innocent men, women, and children who have had their lives taken away.

God bless us all.  Lest we not forget.