Socially Acceptable

The past couple days I've been thinking about social conventions-- things that we do or ways that we dress that are not necessarily for ourselves but for the benefit and comfortability of others.

I'm not talking about streaking or anything.  I like clothes and think that there is importance in being modest.

I am talking about things even more subtle than that.

Let me give you a couple examples:

A few years ago I went deaf in one of my ears.  I've learned to live with it and it's not that big of a deal to me now most days, but I still wear two headphones when I listen to music in them.

Think about that for a second.... Why would a person who cannot hear AT ALL in her left ear wear two headphones?  I'll give you a few reasons.  First, it's more comfortable, especially if I'm going for a run or working out.  Second, and primary, it's so that people won't think I'm rude when I don't answer them.  If I'm sitting in the library and working and someone comes up and starts talking to me and I don't have a headphone in... they're gonna think I'm aloof and rude.  That's not how I choose to present myself.

My second example is a little different...

I had surgery on my head a little over a month ago.  Since then I have been wearing headbands everyday to help hide my scar and my hair loss.  However, lately I have really just not wanted to worry about it and to wear my hair down.  That won't do though...

There is something unforeseen in society about seeing the little imperfections.  We want to ignore these things... in the case of my scar, someone may find it gross, or in the case of my hearing, it's inconvenient.

This morning I got up, took a shower, and began to do my hair.  I looked at myself in the mirror.  Although it didn't match up to what I would necessarily want for my hair, it is who I am right now.  It won't always be that way, but right now it is.  I looked at myself and what I saw was beautiful.  It was a girl who has been through so much lately, and working through it day to day.  It was a girl who has been struggling with body image her entire life, like most people, but learns to see herself through the eyes of Christ.  I just wanted to braid my hair right then or to wear it down and proud... because I am proud of who I am.  I've fought long and hard to become that person.

... but then I remembered other people.  With work, meetings, hanging out with friends, and other responsibilities today, I knew that the right thing would be to be "socially acceptable".

How much do we let others define who we are and what we think of ourselves?

When in Egypt...

In late November Baylor had an away game.  Some friends and I were trying to figure out how to watch it, and eventually ended up going over to one friend's house.  While we were sitting there watching our team lose for the first time all season, we started to want food.  Then one friend sitting there chimes in with how she heard that in Egypt most restaurants will drive food to you.

Needless to say, we began to wish we were in Egypt.

Later that evening we found ourselves driving an hour further into the state of Texas (which really isn't hard since it takes 12 hours to get from the top of the state to the bottom, and even longer than that when driving from East to West).  We imaged ourselves going to Egypt and going on this adventure in our minds.  We found ourselves listening to music, laughing at one friend making up cheesy Christian children's songs, and enjoying the company and intimacy that only a road trip through Texas at night provides.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about road trips and driving.

I think there are several reasons for this.  First off, the experience I described above reminded me of my love of these trips.  Secondly, I live in the great state of Texas.  Road trips in Texas, especially central and east Texas, are like no where else.  Wild flowers in the spring, corn fields in the summer, and sunsets in the fall and winter.  Texas really is a special place.

The third, and possibly the most prominent reason is because I recently had this ability taken away from me.  If you follow my blog you know that I have had some health issues over the past months.  This blog is not a place to describe them, but due to some recent complications, I am not allowed to drive for six months.

In all honesty, I am not coping with this news very well.

I am a pretty independent person.  I love driving around by myself, listening to worship or folk music loudly, harmonizing, or listening and learning from National Public Radio (NPR).  Over the past couple of weeks with adapting to this change, I have realized that car time is one of the few times I love to be introverted.  I spend time with God, listening to music, and thinking.  It is my me time.  And in a rushed, modern world, that is invaluable.

It is winter break, so I am home from school for a month.  Believe me, without the ability to drive and not having as many friends at home (as is what happens when we grow older), this is becoming increasingly challenging.  

The other night my dad was driving me home from visiting some family on the other side of the metroplex.  While we were driving I learned something very important about myself and about the world in which we live.  Over the past couple of years I have become increasingly aware of how much the music I grew up listening to in the car influenced the person I've become.  

When I drove with my dad we would listen to Classical 101.1 and point out the different musical elements and instruments to one another.  We would also listen to NPR together from time to time listening to variety acts on saturday afternoons and Car Talk on sundays after church (I didn't and still don't like this show... mostly 'cause I'm not a car person).  Riding in the car with my father taught me how to listen.  I'm a natural talker, but riding in the car with him helped to learn to focus on the little things and to differentiate 3/4 and 6/8 meters as well as the oboe from the clarinet.  In the past couple years one of my close friends has been an intern for the NPR station in Waco, KWBU.  I have grown to love NPR.  One of my best friends called me one day and told me she wanted to get dinner with me that night just so we could discuss something she heard on the station earlier in the day.  Due to my experience riding in the car with my dad, I am more aware of the world, more cultured, a musician, and was a music minor in college.

With my mom, we listened to more Top 40 songs.  While this didn't make me cultured in the same way, it kept me up to date with pop culture.  I loved and still love singing and listening to music with my mom.  I also talked more with her!

One of the things that has stood out the most to me recently from riding with my mother was when I was little.  She had these Peter, Paul, and Mary children's tapes.  I grew up with "Puff the Magic Dragon", "Blowing in the Wind", and "This Land is Made for You and Me" as my friends.  It wasn't until my senior year of college that I learned that these songs are anti-violent 1960's politically charged, folk songs.  That blew my mind.  To me they are children's songs.  But now they're some of my favorites, and my Peter, Paul, and Mary Pandora station is one of my most visited.  

I have realized the importance of car rides.  Whether my memories are from the deep conversations I've had with friends in the car, the awkward third wheel times, listening to music, or long church trips with a book opened and Mumford and Sons in my ear, in this day and age, car rides are very important.  I think we often neglect to think about how important they are.

I'm going to really miss having my car this semester.  The thing I'm going to miss the most is the atmosphere that it allows me to have-- the deep thinking, the belting and harmonizing, or the stillness.  

But I've also been trying hard to think of it another way.  Not having a car means that I'm going to have to depend more on those around me-- the friends and the family that I have established over my 23 years of living and my almost 5 years of living in Waco.  It means that I will get to create new memories and experiences.  It means that I get to learn from more friends, our conversations, their music, or the stillness of the ride.  It means that I get to take a step out of my life and learn from those around me.

Thinking back to the ride with those friends on that chilly November night, I realized that I think the best when riding in the silence of cars.  The roar of the engine and the company of those around me comforts me.

Sitting in the silence, with the folk music lightly playing on the stereo, enjoying each other's presence, but needing no words...

Then a friend asks, "Hey guys, remember that time we went to Egypt?"

Posing the Questions

A few weeks ago in class we were talking about food.  You'll probably find that this is a topic of interest for this blog going forward.  It's something that I have begun to be more interested in, and something that a lot of my focus in grad school will likely go around.

The basic idea of this particular class is that everything we do is worship, and we are to be constantly outpouring ourselves to others in a missionary way that is not separate from our worship.  We look at how that influences various elements of the Christian walk and of corporate worship.  The particular day I'm talking about, we looked at the Eucharist (Lord's Supper, Communion...).

We talked about various elements and things regarding it, but slowly by slowly we started discussing how food is something that our society revolves around.  Everyone has to eat, so we talked about how having a meal with someone is something you do when you want to know him or her.  We talked about how the church today needs to do more of that.

The theology of food has begun to be very interesting to me.  The thing that stuck out to me that day in class though, is the concept of gluttony.  Unfortunately we didn't really talk much about it the rest of the class though.

Gluttony... one of the seven deadly sins.  But in a culture that is so inwrapped with the availability and (hypothetical) fulfillment of food, it is one that we often ignore.  I would argue that the church is wrapped up in gluttony.  While free food isn't a bad thing, we expect it at church, come to church for it, and have it in every aspect of our Christian lives.  Fasting is a foreign concept to many 21st century Christians.

So what does gluttony mean for us as Christians?  Especially when one of our tools of evangelism is sitting around a table together?  Should evangelism involve food?

How do we as Christians see the goodness of God's creation in light of how we eat?  And how do we help feed others when we have this same mindset?

Some of the final questions that I'm left to ponder begin with me asking, what does the food that I eat say about my theology?  What does it say about the way that I view God and creation?  Am I honoring God with what I'm putting into my body?  If my body is a temple, how am I honoring it?  After all, you can tell a lot about how a person feels about themselves, their life situations, the way they view the world, and the way they view God, by what they put in their bodies.  The grocery store fascinates me for that reason.

Yes, this post has a lot of questions, but now you get to see a glimpse of what goes on within my mind.  I don't have many answers, and I don't think I ever will fully, but I hope that over the next several years God shows me what he wants me to see.  One of my professors, everyday in class, says that the important thing is not that we know the answers to all the questions, but that we know how to ask the right questions.  I think this is a start.

The Test

I've been having a lot of health issues lately.  I won't get into that on here because it is neither the time 'nor the place for it.  Please ask me if you want to know.  But basically, I have had a lot of tests done and will most likely have surgery this coming Christmas break.

Several people have been telling me that maybe this difficult time, along with several other difficult health times, like when I lost my hearing or with all my vertigo issues, are meant to test my faith.  Lately I've been thinking about what that really means, and I struggle with it.

If this is testing my faith, it means that my faith is dependent on the good things in life.  Is it?  Is the foundation of my faith in God dependent on things going well for me?  So much so that if things go badly I begin to doubt even the very existence of this God that I sing praises of exultation to?  If I'm saying and singing that God is the healer, provider, and is sovereign, does the way that I live and the way that I deal with difficult situations reflect this?

I think that a major contributor to this issue comes when we say that because we are Christians (or because we're Christians in America for that matter), God will act on behalf of us and that only good things will happen.  You laugh, but I hear these words stated all the time, and I'm not quite sure if it's biblical (the prayer at a Baylor football game this week said this for example).  Sure all things are possible with God, prayer works, and God works for those who love him... but that doesn't mean that life will be easy.  We have this formula for life that we don't want to deviate from -- get an education, go to a good college, have a good social life, get married, have a good job, have kids, then grow old with your spouse, get sick, but still die happy.  And we think that we are entitled to it.  This is so much ingrained in us that when life shies away from this perfect formula, we assume that God, or the universe, has turned and deserted us.

We can say that we don't have these expectations for life, but that would be lying to ourselves.  We have this mentality in our society that if we're 30 and not married, unable to have children, get divorced, lose our job or a loved one, have a child with illness, or have sexual inclinations towards the same sex, that God is working against us or has abandoned us.  We assume that God must be distancing himself.  We put God into a box and are unable to contain it when situations are out of that box and God is unable to be contained or defined by our mortal constraints.

Maybe God is stronger and larger than we know.

If faith "is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" (Hebrews 11:1), then why do the things mentioned before make us doubt our faith?  God doesn't promise us that life will go according to our plan.  If we are sure of what we hope for and certain of what we don't see, then testing of faith is irrelevant because we are already certain of it.  God exists despite the hard times.  Our certainty in him goes beyond the frailness of our humanity.

The way we look at difficulties says a lot about what we believe about God.  Are we making him to be small, where anything that stretches that view makes us doubt him?  or is God big?  Abounding?  Stronger and wiser than all?

Maybe instead of looking at these things as a test, we should look at them as God working and being active.  Maybe God isn't letting go to test our faith, but is instead simply reminding us that he is sovereign.  Throughout everything, he is the only constant.  He is unfathomable.

All this should remind me that when I get a diagnoses from a doctor that isn't what I want, or when a boy breaks my heart, or when I wonder what the heck is going on in the world, that God is still sovereign.  My faith is in him, his death, and resurrection on the cross.  My faith is not in my health or another person.  My faith is in the one who is larger than all that.  My faith is in Jesus, and I am certain of what I don't see.

FYI- Not the way I feel, just fits the feel of my blog post. 

Lest We Not Forget

On September 11, 2001, I was sitting in my 5th grade classroom as the teachers were frantically deciding how to tell us what happened, and parents were coming to pick their children up from school.  Really, I was just hoping my mom would come pick up my brother and me from school... maybe that's bad, I don't know....I was 10 and didn't even know what the World Trade Towers were.

What I remember after that is a craziness of patriotic feelings that engraved themselves within the hearts of working men and women, parents, senators, and children who didn't really know what they were being taught.  I didn't really understand the gravity of what happened, but what I did understand was the feeling of unity and of being a part of something bigger than myself.  That is the first time I recall feeling that way about something besides my family.

So patriotic feelings were really important to me.  And so were all the songs.  "God Bless America", "America the Beautiful", "God Bless the USA".  Music is one of the ways in which I feel closest to God. This was no exception.

But as I have grown older, and especially in the past couple of years, I have been struck by a few things.

Remembering 9-11 is great!  Remembering the lives that died in the saving of others or just that fell under the rubble, is important.  But I think that we do ourselves and our religion a disfavor when we say things like "God bless America" and then go off into a war and kill thousands of innocent men, women, and children because we had a couple of towers come down and our sense of security was taken for a week or so.  What about the sense of security of those people who live in war zones and haven't felt secure for years?  What about the sense of fright that people in other countries have?

We are in a war, yet we are hardly dealing with the repercussions of it.  It is not on our soil and we are not having to face the reality of death right before our eyes on a daily basis.  In fact, I forget that we are in war most days.  People are dying everyday in other countries, and sadly, I don't think we really care because they are around the world and different from us.  But are they really that different?  Sure they may speak a different language, learn differently, or have a different religion, but they still breath, they still love, and they still exist.

I have heard 9-11 referenced to as "the most Beverly Hills version of a war zone".  While it is horrible,  it places some sense of reality on the situation.  Here in America we focus so much on making 9-11 a memorial for the thousands of people that passed away, and while I'm not saying that those lives aren't important and don't deserve to be honored, because they do, we need to remember those in other countries who are passing away daily.  Just because something happened on American soil doesn't make it anymore tragic than a car bombing or the massacre of innocent people elsewhere.  I don't think God looks at things that happen to America as any more tragic.

Jesus says to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Somehow I don't think he just means those in our own countries.  I think he means those with whom we differ.  Those with whom we clash.  Jesus calls us to love.  I have trouble gathering in my head that loving others is exclusive to where they live or what religion they adhere to.  And I have trouble accepting that Jesus only blesses the US.  I'm fairly sure that if he calls us to make disciples of all nations, he must love all nations.

But I digress.

So here's to 9-11.  Here's to the thousands of men and women who died from the events, or sacrificed their lives.  Here's to the thousands of families and loved ones these events have effected this side of the ocean, and the other.  Here's to the innocent men, women, and children who have had their lives taken away.

God bless us all.  Lest we not forget.

"I Want it Like it was Back Then, I Want to be in Eden"

Something I do occasionally is watch nerdy videos on Youtube.

I have watched a bunch of Dr.Phil shows, BBC documentaries on eating disorders and the Wesboro Baptist Church, as well as a bunch on healthy living and weight loss.  Recently I got really into TED Talks.  The other day I was watching one and they were talking about the history of food in America, which is really interesting.  So often, like with all things, we take for granted what we have and don't always think about the way that things used to be.

But in this video it talked about how food used to be just local farms or what you grew in your own garden.  I mean, I feel like this is somewhat common sense, but so often we miss what this really means.  This means that you couldn't just go to the grocery store and get broccoli whenever you wanted.  It would have to be from your garden, or a town store, and it would have to be when broccoli was in season.  And because of the limited transportation, food really was local.  That is why it was so special for people to receive an orange from Florida for Christmas in New York... because you never got oranges and it was super rare, tasty, and special.  With the development of air travel and our highway system, the transportation of food is no longer an issue.  And with things like pesticides and genetically modified seeds and ways of farming, it is easier to grow fruits and vegetables when they aren't naturally in season.  That is why the idea of getting an apple or an orange in your Christmas stocking isn't so alluring these days.

Yesterday, I was driving in my car and eating an apple.  I was thinking about how much I like apples and how I take them for granted.  They're sweet and delicious, but they're often the last thing that I want.

With that apple in my hand, I started thinking about the book of Genesis in the Bible.  More specifically, the creation story and the events that took place thereafter.  The fruit we normally think about Eve tempting Adam with is an apple.  And then I got this new image of this story in my head.

Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth, and God gave them this amazing Garden, Eden.  I imagine this garden being filled with trees of apples and peaches, bushes full of berries, and rows upon rows of weedless corn, potatoes, tomatoes, and watermelons.  The garden of Eden... not just the orchard like we normally picture it being in children's storybooks.

So here are these two people, Adam and Eve.  They're the first people on Earth.

Now really think about this for a second.  That means a lot of firsts... and awkward ones too.  Like the first time to need to go to the bathroom?  Or to walk?  Ever think of what it might have been like the first time they discovered milk came out of goats and cows?  And that they could drink it?  Or that they could kill, cook, and eat animals?  What about their first moments on earth when they started to feel hunger?

Imagine how overwhelmed Adam and Eve were in that garden.  Their stomachs were growling, but they didn't know what it was like to eat.  Their lips had never tasted what milk or berries or any fruit, regardless if it was forbidden or not, tasted like.

I can imagine being completely overwhelmed.  So much to the point where I imagine them standing at the edge of this garden, not knowing where to begin.  Not knowing which foods taste like what, or how to make them taste good, or anything.  Not knowing the difference between a tomato and a banana.  All they would know is that this god who had created them told them not to eat from one particular tree in the middle of the garden, but they could eat from any other tree.

But that tree, the one in the middle of the garden, looks so good!  And they don't know where to start!  Everything looks so good, but so scary at the same time.  And they were hungry.  Everything is new.  There is no knowledge of what could taste like what.

So here comes this serpent, just one of the many animals in the garden (On a side note.... could animals talk at this time?  Was it super weird for this serpent to be talking or was that normal?).  And the serpent says to go ahead and eat from the tree that your creator told you not to.  They had been told not to, but they had no knowledge of good nor evil.  But here they are given direction.  Someone, or something, is telling them what to eat, not just what not to.

So they drive in and eat the fruit from the forbidden tree, woman first and then man.  They are hungry and scared and clueless.

Maybe my indulgence in that apple didn't give me an answer to questions of the fall, or whether or not we should blame that on women or not (no... but that's the feminist in me), but it did give me somewhat of a new perspective.  Hunger is something that all people are prone to, rich or poor, gay or straight, white or black or brown.  Everyone knows what it is like to be hungry: whether that is just before a meal, or for a prolonged period of time....  Hunger knows no boundaries.

While I have no direct conclusions, I can learn to have empathy and to think of the story of a fall in a new way.  A way that exudes grace and love and my own humanity.  A way that makes me think not just of the damnation of man because of the lack of trust in God by two, but a way that teaches me that my own trust in God must go further than hunger, pain, and confusion.

I'm glad driving and eating an apple could show me that.

Throwing a why back from the future

“I didn't understand anything because of my hunger. I wasn't dumb. It wasn't lack of interest. My social condition didn't allow me to have an education. Experience showed me once again the relationship between social class and knowledge."

-Paulo Freire

Lately I've been a little apprehensive about my future, as I think I talked about in my last post.  I've been thinking of why I didn't do one of these programs where I would be traveling and doing mission work... and then I realized it when I was talking to one of my best friends.

We were talking about how society tends to look down on people that are different than us.  And one of those ways is that we tend to say that all people are granted equal opportunity.  But really, that's not true.

Growing up, I went to top notch schools in a great school district.  I had teachers who cared about me (I remember my kindergarden teacher coming to my house to deliver my Valentines after I missed our Valentine's day party 'cause I was at home sick.  She also babysat once for my brother and I when I parents were out of town).  I also had parents who spent hours explaining things to me, reading with me and to me, working on science fair projects and silly things in physics when we had to build a bridge.  And if they weren't able to help me, they were willing to hire a tutor for me.  It was assumed that I was going to attend college... not that I ever tried to fight that.

My parents made sure that I was eating well and was creating healthy habits.  They made sure that I learned that exercise is good and that that was present in their lives as well.  They taught me that all people are created equal and deserve to be treated as such.

This was the life that I was presented.

But not everyone has that.  There are many kids whose parents don't care about their education.  There are parents who don't want their children to go to college.  Or even if they do, the kids don't have a way of getting to school or paying for it, even with scholarships.  There are parents who don't necessarily care what their kids put in their mouths or they can't afford to care.

There are kids who don't know that education is out there and available.  There are kids that this is not an option for.

So my friend and I were sitting in his car and talking about this and it hit me.  These doubts that I've been having lately just dissipated.

Why am I going to grad school?  Why am I doing four more years of school in divinity and social work?

Why?

Because I can.  I have this opportunity set right there before me, and I'm going to take it.  I'm going to take it for the people who can't or don't know how.  I'm going to take it for the kids who go to bed hungry or without the nutrients they need to have a good mind to learn well.

So yes, this is why I'm going to school for longer....
Because I can and others can't, and it is my duty as a servant of Christ to take the opportunities I've been given and use them for his glory.