I am in love with God. I am head over heals in love. It's actually making me tear up. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He is probably the only reason I have survived a lot of the stuff I have gone through and have many of the friendships I have today, even if I don't really understand the meaning of them. God has formed me the way he wants me and loves me more than I could fathom. In return God wants me, and all of me. I have trouble focusing on him with distractions such as friends and boys and music and school, but really all God calls me to do is love him and love others. Love until I can love no more, and then fight through that. I mean, yes, God calls us to do our best in everything and to strive for the best, but he also calls for us to spend time with him and getting to know him better. God wants to know us intimately, and that is a beyond amazing thought. The King of Kings, maker of the universe and the heavers and earth wants to know you, small little you.
Something I struggle with are feelings of loneliness. Whether it's feeling like a 3rd wheel or sometimes just feeling like I don't have close friends (even thought that is completely stupid), I feel lonely. And lately I've been thinking a lot about this.... why is that? Why is it that I feel lonely? Is it because I am not satisfied with God alone? Is it because I long for someone to share the little things with?
I think it is honestly a mix of the two. I think that if we don't spend enough time with God and focus on how we are not exactly fitting in we will feel like we are inadequate and unimportant, but really God is telling us otherwise. God wants to develop a one-on-one relationship with us. He wants to know our ins and outs and in betweens. He longs to see us at our worst, our most vulnerable and what we think is our ugliest. Maybe because then we are being the most real?
At the camp I work at we are encouraged to have "one-on-one"'s with our campers. We are encouraged to get to know them for who they are. We try to learn their stories and learn where they have been. One of my good friends talks about how he has these with his boss every couple of weeks, and I think that is really cool.
So what I think is cool is this..... my xanga..... all that useless day to day crap: God already knows it and he cherishes it. He knows "my going out and my lying down". He is "familiar with all my ways". And that is so amazing! God wants to know that. God desires to know that. God wants to know every little detail that I now don't often tell people because I don't think they care. People don't care, but God does.
and that is the God I worship. A God who loves me. A God who cherishes and adores the very ground I walk on, which he himself made. I am in love with God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost. My life would be nothing without him.
I am posting Psalm 139 on here. I love this psalm so much. It shows that God loves us and every little thing we do. That is beyond amazing. God knows the hairs on our heads and the thorns in our hearts, yet he loves us and created us imperfectly so that we would want to get to know a perfect being.
I want to get a tattoo. I want this tattoo to say "Loved" and under it have "Psalm 139:14" written. I want to get this placed on my left wrist. There's several reasons I want to get it, and get it there, but one of them is that I just want to remember and know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made the incredible image of God the Father All Mighty. I am perfect the way I am, whether I need to loose or gain a few pounds doesn't matter. Whether my hair is a mess and my face is covered in pimples, it doesn't matter. God loves me regardless of that. and because God loves me, I am going to find others who love me.
Just. the. way. I. am.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.