Monday, February 27, 2012

Raise your voice, every single time they try and shut your mouth

This past year I have gotten the honor of being a Sing chair for my sorority.  This experience has meant so much to me, I can not even comprehend it, because I know that if I do I may end up in tears.

Ever since I started being in Sing my freshman year at Baylor, I had wanted to be a Sing chair.  I was really involved with theatre and choir at my school and church in high school, so this was something I found to fill the performing void.

My freshman year I was in a group called Sing Alliance.  In this group I got to know a lot of people who I'm still good friends with, and I got to experience my first Sing.  I was apprehensive about rushing and doing Sing Alliance, because most freshman don't.  But I think it was a really good decision that I made.  3 of my best friends in college came from this group, and we had a little group.  It was so much fun being in this group full of people who love performing!  We got 3rd place that year, which was something amazing to experience!

The next year I did Sing with my sorority.  It was a completely different experience.  While the year before everyone in the group I was in was there because they wanted to be, this was not the case.  Also, because it was a different organization, things were run differently.  I had fun bonding with my sorority sisters, but I knew that I wanted to be a chair the next year to have a positive influence on Sing for this group.  This year we didn't make it to Piskin (top 8 groups from Sing get to perform in Pigskin during homecoming).

This year I was a Sing chair for Alpha Delta Pi.  It came as such a blessing!  I got to know my sorority sisters so much better, and to see myself develop as a person and as a leader.  I became more comfortable talking in front of people, calling people out, talking to authority, etc.  I think this was just a really good positive experience for me.  Also, doing it with the three girls that I was chairs with was such a blessing.  I love each of them so much, and was so blessed to have gotten to work on a team with them.

We didn't make it to Pigskin this year, which is sad because we worked out butts off, but strangely I'm ok with it.  We bonded as a chapter, and we had a fun act that our group loved.  I could not be more proud!

Now comes the question of what I'm doing next year... I'm not sure if I'm going to apply for Student Productions or be a Sing chair another year.  I'm praying about it a lot, so for now, it is all in God's hands.

I am so blessed to go to a school that has the largest amateur production.  We even had Corbin Bleu judge our last night of Sing this year.  I am so so blessed.  What a great opportunity to not only entertain others, but to challenge and learn from yourself, and to develop as a child of God.

I love Baylor.  I love Sing.  Yep, that's about it! :-)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Can't finish this sentence...

I wrote this in December and just found it.  I like it, and although it's a little more personal than stuff I usually share, I thought it had some good ideas and that I would share it anyway.  Hope you enjoy!


I may wake up missing you some days, and hating you others. 
Sometimes I may wake up ready to face the day, and sometimes I may want to lay in bed and cry all day.
Some days I may find refuge in my quiet times,
Some days I may find it in a friend.
Sometimes I need to curl up and cry,
And sometimes I may want to run all my anger out.

Breakups suck. 
Even when you breakup mutually and have a "great" breakup, they still suck to experience.

BUT it’s life.
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Sometimes it is necessary for it to hurt for us to truly enjoy life,
To learn from the relationship.
To learn what was good and what was not.
To learn what we deserve.
To discover that this person you had wondered about all these years really isn’t the one.
To discover that he is still out there.
To discover that you’re not going to put up with crap waiting for him to arrive.
Realizing that you would rather try, fail, move on and find refuge in the Lord.

Sometimes we need to try,
Because if we don’t then we’re left with the question of “what if”?

So I’m glad we ventured into the unknown.
I’m glad we experienced that together, even if it wasn’t supposed to end the way we dreamed.

So although I still care about you, and want to be friends again some day,
Right now I can’t let you too close.
Right now I can’t let you see how I’m feeling.
Right now I can’t see your face.

Because even though I realize that we’re not meant to be,
I still like you,
I still love you.
I still tense up a little bit when things remind me of you.
I still miss you when I see a couple walking down the street.
I still miss your kisses and being in your embrace.
I still can’t finish this sentence.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

My diary screaming out loud!

I wrote this article in my Xanga in high school.  It's old, but a lot of my thoughts stay the same.  Music is powerful.  This is probably one of my favorite things I wrote on that blog.

There is one thing in the world that I think is more personal than anything else,
and that is music.

It is exhilarating, 
yet almost frightening to realize that when you listen to music, (particularly the non-rap/hip-hop where they aren't just talking about sex and drugs), you are listening to the words in someone's head.  

I pretty much just realized this this past week when I attempted to write music.  It's kinda funny really, how I can be such a musical person, and someone who adores to write, but I can not write music.  Maybe because I've never really tried before? I don't know.

But I do know that this past week when I attempted to sing and play piano with my own words, I couldn't do it.  There is something about saying your true emotions while performing them, singing them, or even saying them that is the hardest thing ever.  But only when you write them.  I can sing something someone else wrote that fit's me perfectly, but I don't feel as exposed.

Maybe because when someone else writes it, it's like I can hide under that, even if it is what I am meaning to say.  For example, my new obsession to play is "I'm not alright" by Sanctus Real. It is a beautiful song and I can truly relate to it.  But do my parent's realize that when I am singing the chorus "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.. And all I go through, leads me to you", and am truly saying that I am not alright?  It's like I subconsciously think that if they happen to ask me who sings it, I can say "Sanctus Real" and not have to talk about what the content is, and how I relate to it. 

But if it's something I write, I have nothing to cover it up with.  Those are MY words, MY emotions, MY music.

"Two A.M. and I'm still awake writing this song,
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
threatin' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."
--Breath (2 AM) by Anna Nalick truer words...

Sunday, February 5, 2012

"When you've only got 100 years to live"

Valentines Day is around the corner.  Now, this can go at least four ways:
1) You have a significant other and get really excited.
2) You have a significant other and couldn't care less.
3) You're single and the thought of V-day makes you twitch with resentment that you don't have someone to spend it with.
4) You're single and you don't really care.  You realize that you have more important things to do than worry about not having a significant other, and you are perfectly okay with it.

I like to think that at this stage in my life I am at the 4th option.  I recently went through a breakup, and it was hard on me for a while.  The past few weeks have been the first real days in which I have found pure joy in being single again.  It helps that I am insanely busy right now.  I have a pile of laundry in my room that is exploding, my bathroom is a mess, my car looks like a tornado hit it, and I have a lot of school work I need to focus on... I feel like this is more important than boys at the moment.

I read something on Pinterest the other day that really got me thinking.  It said "You only get 10 years to be in your twenties".  That hit me!  I am on the brink of turning 21, so right at the beginning of my twenties.  I am at that age when friends start getting engaged, planning weddings, and thinking of their future with another person.  Last semester, 7 girls in my sorority alone got engaged.

I think it's silly the amount of pressure our society puts on people in their 20's.  Our society has a formula they want us all to fit in: school for 13 years, go to a good college, graduate, either go straight to grad school or get married and get a job.  And if we don't get married right off the bat, we're supposed to spend the rest of our 20's devoted to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Now I'm not saying that looking for love is a bad thing, but maybe desperately yearning for it to the point where nothing else is satisfying, is.  Life is too short not see the happiness in everyday.

"You only get 10 years to be in your twenties"

It's crazy for me to think of how much my life has changed in the last 10 years.  10 years ago I was in 5th grade.  10 years ago I had never been kissed, never been depressed, and never had my heart broken. 10 years ago I had never experienced the true love of God, thought about college, known what I wanted to do with my future.  10 years ago I wanted to be a fashion designer, an interior designer, or a famous singer like Britney Spears by the time I reached the ago of 13 (this is before she went cray cray).  Now I want to be a youth minister, and maybe eventually a counselor, bringing teenagers and preteens the love of Christ.

But in the past 10 years I have shed many tears, laughed so hard I didn't even know it was possible, and overcame many milestones.  In the past 10 years I have created bonds that are going to last a lifetime, ended ones that are unhealthy for me, and have been learning to live for God on a daily basis, even though there are many days when I forget to give him the glory.  In the past 10 years I have overcome illness, emotional wounds, and gotten to know the person God is creating in me a little better each day.

"You only get 10 years to be in your twenties"

In a few short weeks I will be 21.  In the U.S. this is a monumental age.  Not only is it when you can legally buy and consume alcohol, it is also when you are officially recognized as an adult.  Technically you are at 18, but there is just something about being 21.

My mom told me when I was growing up to never settle.  To enjoy my twenties.  To not be determined to be wed by a certain age.  She had a good friend that did this, and that ended very badly.  It also helps that my mom was in her late twenties when she tied the knot.

So I am coming back to a realization that I've had before, but am in need of again: that it is okay for me to be single.  God wants me to be single right now.  I have a feeling that he has some work for me to do, and I am excited to see what that is.  And I am going to enjoy my twenties.  Hopefully God will put someone in my life in the next 10 years or so, but what's the hurry?  I do not need to have my "ring by spring" to be content.  And I think that God wants me to be single right now, so I can do whatever he wants for me to do.  Right now I can focus on getting closer to God, and enjoying the many aspects of singleness.

"I serve the Author of Time, who is NOT subject to time, but I am subject to Him.  He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…"

"You only get 10 years to be in your twenties"

It's crazy for me to think of how much has happened in the past 10 years.  Sometimes it seems like such a short time, and sometimes it feels really long... but it all just makes me really excited for the next 10.  I have no idea what is going to happen.  I have no idea what joys I may have, and what the hardships are that will accompany it.  But I know that God will be right there by my side.

In a society that puts so much emphasis on a structure of how life is supposed to go, I am going to choose to let God have the reigns.  If he wants me to go to grad school, that is in his hands.  If he wants me to get married in my 20's, he will put someone in my life.  It is all up to him.

Something I often talk about with friends is life after college.  It's scary because for the first time in your life you don't have a set structure.  Everything that happens after graduation for the majority of college graduates is an unknown land.  Where am I going to live?  Where am I going to work?  Who am I going to marry?  When am I going to get married?  Will I get married?  What will my kids be like?  Will I be able to have kids? and many more.  To be perfectly honest, it kind of freaks me out.

But God is in control.

This summer God was asking me if I trusted him.  I told him I did, and I made some important changes to my life.  Lately I have had that question pounding through my head.  The answer is a daily reminder to give God control.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also --Matt 6:21

30 Things I love in life:

1. Laughter
2. Late night dinners with friends
3. Spending all day at church
4. Sing... and singing.
5. Making music
6. Learning new instruments
7. Learning
8. Smiling
9. Ministering to teenagers
10. Baylor!
11. Laying on a bench outside in perfect weather
12. Taking walks
13. Dancing
14. Writing in my journal or on here
15. Working out
16. Sleeping
17. Friday afternoons
18. Deep conversations
19. Talking about boys
20. Cooking
21. Planning things
22. Drinking tea
23. Reading my Bible
24. Spending too many hours on the computer
25. Spending time with those I love
26. Taking pictures
27. Creativity
28. My sorority
29. Performing in front of large audiences
30. Spending time with those I love