Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Just Breath

"People who keep diaries are the happiest," Tyra Banks

I am a writer.  I like to record my memories.  But not so much even that as writing in a journal or a diary is almost therapeutic for me.  At this camp I went to in high school, we had prayer partners.  My prayer partner at my second one of these weekends bought me a journal.  I made it my goal to write in it every once and a while, particularly my prayers.  Sooner or later this became habitual and something that I came to really enjoy doing.  I have kept some sort of journal since my sophomore or junior year of high school.  There are about 6 of them on my book shelves at home and in Waco.

At camp these past two summers I kept my journal with me constantly.  I was careful not to show it to people, because there was private stuff in there, but it was and is very important to me.  In the journal are private thoughts of things I have struggled with, prayers, little fun tad bits about the summer and different cabins I had, and just fun stuff like a "Lizzie's Bucket List" I made with some of my campers! My journal this summer is a documentation of how God worked in my life and brought someone special into it!

Usually I hate reading my old journals.  I dislike looking back on the stuff I went through and how "dramatic" I was (but really... ).  It just makes me aggravated with myself.  Usually I only look back through them if there is something in particular I want to look at.  (Someone told me once that they burn their old journals.... not me!)

Today I was packing for Thanksgiving break and decided that it would be fun to look for a certain event in my journal.... turns out I have that once in Plano, BUT it was really interesting.  I forget all the fun parts of looking back on this stuff.  Although I may not be proud of things I've done in the past, it is good to look back and see how much I have grown throughout the years, even just since I entered college.  I feel like I have grown a lot emotionally over the past year, and it is really cool to have documentation.

I picked one journal up and realized that it was from my freshman year at Baylor.  I started to read and realized that I was at a not-so-good part of my life at this point.  I was struggling a lot with self-esteem and self-worth.  I was really down on myself about some thing that had recently taken place with a friend... seems so stupid now.

BUT I found this list below.  I remember how long it took for me to write it, but it still stands true!

"Reasons I love me:
1) I try to include other people and generally don't feel good when I don't.
2) I'm a planner.  I like to figure out how things are going to work together to make something (a party, gather) work.
3) If I really want something I will work towards trying to get it.
4) I'm talented.  Even though I often don't feel like it, I am a good singer, handbell player, pianist, writer, artist, dancer, etc.
5) I don't get embarrassed easily, and when I do, I often shrug it off.
6) I'm not going to settle for less that I deserve when it comes to relationships.
7) I give people multiple chances.
8) I try not to judge people based upon what they've done or are (gay, race, etc).  God called us to love and that is the greatest commandment!
9) I'm dedicated to what I do (most of the time anyway) and don't like quitting.
10) I have a pretty good memory... that can also be a curse.

I am beautifully and wonderfully made by the creator of the whole wide universe!  I am his and only his and forever his! :-)"

Sometimes I like looking back at these entries and realize how wise I was in those moments.  I may have gone through a lot that led to entries like this... but I'm glad they're there because they definitely help me still today, a year and a half later!

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