Monday, January 16, 2012

Don't Close Your Eyes

I work at a Christian camp, which if you read this blog, you already know.  Over the past few months I have really struggled as to whether or not I should return there this summer.

Throughout last summer I felt like God was telling me to return for half the summer, but I was still really unsure.  A lot of my friends were saying that it was their last summer, and that made me feel a little uneasy, but secure in the fact that I knew it would be ok if it was my last as well.  Campers kept asking me if I was coming back or not.  This was a really hard question.  I just really felt like God was telling me to go back for part of it.  At the time I was thinking of studying abroad for half the summer, so working the other half would be really convenient.

This past fall semester however, the doubts really got to me.  I really realized that none of my close friends were going back, including the guy I was dating at the time, who I had worked there with.  Because I was unsure about the path God was going to take us on and the difficulties of the long distance, I was really unsure.  A bunch of my camp friends came and visited me in September, and I remember the exact moment when sitting around my kitchen table someone posed the question, "Is anyone going back this summer?"  Everyone said that they probably weren't or they weren't for sure, and that they felt like God was done working with them there.  For me, this was confirmation that I shouldn't go back.

Fast forward a few months and I was still pretty sure that God didn't want me to go back, but I hadn't really given it much thought.  The thing is, I had absolutely no idea what God wanted me to do with my summer, and that was unsettling.

Then the guy I was dating and I broke up.  The next day I was spending some much needed time with God, and I started praying about what He wanted me to do this summer.  I was looking up different ministry programs and volunteer opportunities in the Waco area, and then I just felt this nudging on my heart.

In high school I was really involved in this retreat called Celebration.  If I hadn't gone to it, my life would be completely different.  I am so thankful to God for blessing me with it.  At one of my last weekends the spiritual advisor was talking about how we are to know when God calls us to something. She said that it is the gut feeling that one has that just does not go away no matter how hard you try.  This message has stuck with me throughout college and really helped me to discern what is His will is for me.

So when I felt God nudging at me that day, I realized that he had been nudging me over the past several months.  I knew he was likely calling me back.  I made a pros and cons list and realized that all the reasons I didn't want to go back were petty ones, such as a lot of my friends not coming back.  But then I realized that there was something much more important than that, and that is the girls I would be ministering to, and the lives I would be impacting for the Kingdom.  I started filling out my application, but didn't submit it yet.

Over the next several days I was still trying to determine what God wanted me to do.  I talked to one of my best friends at school and camp a lot about it, and he basically told me that if I felt like I needed to go back, I needed to apply.  So in a moment when I was feeling sure that this was in God's plan, I submitted the application.

Fast forward a few weeks and I heard back that they want me to come back!  Now I just had to make a decision... and I have decided that I am going to be working at camp Cho-Yeh weeks 1-5, and then doing summer school in Waco, either at MCC or Baylor.  It's been a hard decision, but it's been really cool to see how God has been working through it.

I am so blessed!

I am so blessed to impact the lives of girls for 5 weeks this summer, to grow in who I am, and to make new friendships with the staff while God continues to bless me in new ways.  I don't know what God has planned for me, but I know that this is where he wants me for this short period of my life.  It's been a long road to come to that realization, but I'm glad I've finally arrived!

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