Deep in the Heart of Texas

Going into college, I decided to attend Baylor University in Waco, Texas.  Little did I know that when I picked the school, I was also picking the city in which it was located.

When I first got here it seemed like everyone was talking about missions.  A lot of people were talking about how it was something that they were thinking about pursuing after college, or how it was something that they really had a heart for.  Growing up, I knew that I should give to people and help them out, but I don't know if I really understood what that meant.  Freshman year I began praying for more of a mission focused heart.

If you read some of my previous blog entries, you will read my testimony about how I ended up back at Camp Cho-Yeh this summer... and the funny thing is, I am just now beginning to realize what the intent of God's plan for me was last summer was.  You see, for the first half of this summer I was a camp counselor for the third year, and loved it... but then the second half I was living in Waco by myself taking summer school classes at our local community college.  It's taken me until now to really realize why this was such a blessing to me.

Over the past couple of years God has been making my heart yearn for people.  I have always been a people person, an extrovert, but I have really begun to flourish at Baylor into the social butterfly that I am.  I am learning to ask questions and working on caring about people in a very genuine, Christian way.  I fall short by far... but God's grace catches my fall.

I guess this whole thing really started in March... I started jogging and trying to get in shape.  I know this doesn't seem super significant, but it got me out into the community more, and helped me to grasp more of a love for the outside.  Suddenly the focus shifted from those immediately around me at Baylor, to those jogging besides me in Cameron Park, and elsewhere in the city.

Then I went to camp.  My first week was one of the hardest weeks I ever experienced as a camp counselor.  There was a ton of drama, I got woken up to throwing up for the first time, and my heart was ripped out of my chest.  For some reason my 7th and 8th grade girls decided to tell life stories... and it was heart wrenching to say the least.  Here were these twelve and thirteen year old girls whose dad's had abandoned them or tried to hurt them physically, parents struggled with their marriages, mothers had died, CPS had been involved, and many other things.  I tried to go on a run one morning after hearing this, but ended up in our meeting hall on my hands and knees in prayer, crying for these girls.  These girls changed my life more than they will ever know.

The second half of my summer I spent in Waco living by myself.  I was REALLY nervous about this, and spent a lot of time in prayer about it.  I'm an extrovert and I knew that being by myself was going to be really hard for me... but it ended up being ok. God definitely worked through it.  I began going back to the church I had kind of left the semester before, began eating healthier, running more, and taking classes at MCC.  I would drive all over Waco getting to know the city better, and was learning a lot about it in my history class.  I absolutely loved my history class, so much to the extent where I would do extra research for fun outside of class. I grew this appreciation for Waco.  By the end of the summer I had a growing appreciation for the city of Waco that I hadn't had before.

I think my favorite thing about Waco is how it is so random, and how the major juxtaposition of the city is so evident.  Driving through Waco this summer I was surprised to realize that there are giant lake houses in the back of Waco, and really nice neighborhoods.  There are also some of the most beautiful sites you will see at Cameron Park, downtown, and along the lake... but drive a couple more blocks and you are in deep impoverished areas.  According to a study done this past June, approximately 28.7% of Waco is in poverty.

Now compare this to the $22,000 per semester that the Big Twelve university down the street costs for students... MAJOR juxtaposition.  And to make matters worse, most of these students (myself included) aren't even fully aware of what is really going on in Waco, and/or how to help.  We are so focused on school, and our own lives, that we generally don't pay notice to those in the city that need our love.  And even when we do want to give help, we generally just give something out of pocket without putting forth the effort in action (I put myself in these categories because this is something that I've really been convicted of recently).

I have always known a few things about my future.  I need to work with people, I have a passion for youth (particularly middle school girls), and I want to work in someway related to the church.  A couple of months ago this lady came to speak to our college group at church about how she needed volunteers to come and be support for kids who are in bad situations in Waco... many of these situations similar to those that my campers were in this summer.  My heart started aching again and I began thinking of Selah, Shawna, Angel, Julia.... these beautiful girls that had changed my views on life.

In this moment I realized that there are a ton of kids and youth within my own city who are hurting.  I began to realize that this city is hurting.  And I began to realize that I am a member of this community.  I have begun to love the randomness.  I love jogging through downtown.  I love randomly taking drives throughout Waco.  I love getting to know the city that God placed me in for college.

I need to work with people.  I need to work with youth.  I need to work somehow related to the church.

I have kind of felt a longing before, but at this moment at church, I felt a pull towards social work or counseling... or both.  I want to learn more about how to help, and love others, and what specifically that means.  I want to be fully engaged within the context of where I am.  For this reason I am going to try to do a dual masters degree in social work and divinity.  I don't know specifically what God is going to lead me to along the way, but I am listening and ready for the ride.

To me it doesn't matter that Waco doesn't have a good night life, like it does for many Baylor students.  Waco has a history.  Waco has a present.  and Waco has a future.

Freshman year some of my friends and I ran into a homeless women while we were tortilla tossing. She told us her story and really touched our lives.   

Fall 2009.  Gorilla next to David Crowder's house

Waco Wetlands 

Trails of Cameron Park

Cameron Park and snow

Beautiful stained glass from the church behind Columbus 

Waco suspension bridge... gateway to the heart of Texas!

He Told Me To Love

What if maybe we're all wrong?

So what if there's a group of people that can't fathom another group of people being born a certain way?  So what if the first group may be hateful towards the second sometimes?  What if a holy book has verses against homosexual practices (although it is interesting to note that the leader himself said nothing about the subject)?  So what if there are groups of people who protest anti-whatever, because they think that their hatred is actually going to change other's minds?

What if God did create gays gay?

What if what God wants for marriage is actually just a loving relationship, where people love each other, are faithful, and caring?  What if God wants a 1950's sitcom family?  What if God wants a family with a man and wife?  What if God doesn't care as long as we love each other?

Who are we to say that people can't believe what they want?  We live in America right?  How is your hatred towards those you say are being hypocritical and hateful, any different?

So what if we're all wrong?

What if God is just up in heaven laughing at us?  Laughing at us trying to figure him out.

Because maybe we're just trying to put God in a box...and a stupid internet, world-wide debate is our generation's way of dealing with it.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.-- 1 Corinthians 1:25

Maybe God is even bigger than any of us could ever imagine.  Because when I try to imagine a God who created the WHOLE universe, I get stumped.  How could the same God who created all the moons of the planets, the dinosaurs, every single species that ever walked the earth... how could he have created me?  This short, curly haired, young adult, with her faults and the ways that I fail God everyday... How could this great creator have time for me when he's dealing with everything else in the world?  But somehow I know he does because I have seen him work in my life, and because of that, who am I to even fathom putting God in a box?

I don't serve a God who I can put in a box and sugarcoat.  I serve a God who breaks the box.  I serve a God who tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14).  I serve a God who tells me that He loves me so much that He sent his own son down to die for me, and to put my sin upon his back (John 3:16).

I think it's important to take a step back sometimes.  To take a step back from everything we've been taught growing up, everything our friends and mentors believe, and everything that we long to know.  I think it's important to get back to the heart of God.  

With all this talk of Chick-fil-A this, and universal health care that, we get caught up in this awkward place between theology and politics.  This awkward place where Jesus nor George Washington wanted us to be.  The Bible talks about the unification of believers, and Washington told us not to develop political parties.... somehow that didn't work out.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”  Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a] This is the first and greatest commandment.³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”-- Matthew 22:36-40

As a Christian I believe that it is my responsibility to love those around me.  To love God, and then to love those around me.  It's funny, because currently in my life, I am in a place where I feel convicted for not loving enough, and here I am writing about it.

You've probably heard liberals say that loving your neighbor doesn't mean excluding the homeless, gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, drug dealers, blacks, middle eastern, etc.  And yes, I completely agree that this is true, but it also doesn't mean to hate on other Christians because their interpretation of the Bible is not spot on with yours.  Hatred is hatred, no matter where it comes from.  Maybe hatred isn't the best word, but you get the picture.

So what if someone doesn't hold the same specific view as you?  It does not give you the license to talk bad about people?  By human nature we are people who have a hard time grasping that there are people who are different from us in the world, and that they believe different things.  If you don't believe me, just look at history!

Being a student of religion, I often have discussions with theologians and other students.  I love these conversations because for the most part, we realize that although we all have different opinions and different views on things, we all share a common faith.  We all believe that Jesus is the Messiah, that he was crucified, dead, buried, and rose again on the third day.  But while we have these differences, we realize that we can learn from each other.  We can grow from each other.  And one of the phrases I hear most is, "I come out with more questions than when I began". 

I guess my point in all this is this:  Who are we to say that we have all the answers?  Sometimes even our Biblical analysis have holes.  Sometimes even our non-Biblical reasonings have holes as well.  As a Christian this is where faith comes in.  This is where trust comes in.  This is when it becomes the time to give God our faith and our devotion.

And the questions above... I don't know the answers to most of them.  I could probably come up with a thousand more questions easily.
But there is one thing I do know:  God told me to love my neighbor as myself.  He told me to love.

My cousin had a baby yesterday.  My cousin is only a few months younger than I am.  She is engaged and starting a family.  I am so happy for her, but what I think is funny is that while she is doing that, I am here, single, and working on my senior year of college.  

Lately (well the past day or so), I have been thinking a lot about the different paths our lives take and the ride that God takes us on.  For the first however many years of our lives, we are told exactly what track we are supposed to follow: education.  Slowly as you grow older, you have more choices available to you: classes, extracurricular, furthering your education, etc.  Then if you go to college you have those 4 years mapped out, and maybe more depending upon the career path that you choose.  

My main point is, there comes a point when you are not being told what to do anymore.  You may have basic things that people tell you: have a job, have a family, provide for said family, do whatever makes you happy.  But the beauty of that point is that you can do really whatever you want, and the path is up to your choosing. 

I think this is something that hit me really hard because of how close my cousin and I are in age, and how close I am to graduation: 10 months!  It's crazy that these first 22 years of my life are coming to a close quicker than I would have realized.  It's weird that these first 22 years are so important, but I hopefully have about triple that number of years left.

Trying to decipher what God has in store for me is a pain.  It's like trying to teach a dog to meow... not gonna happen!  This path that God is taking me on is mine and it's weird to think that none else has been down this path, but it is also very encouraging.  

This is my life.

Mom Mum Mommy!

When I was in elementary school there was this kid.  I don't remember his name or anything, I just remember that he constantly would play the "my mommy died" card.  Now I know this is something challenging to deal with, but it was 5 years after the fact, and it was something that was constantly annoying to us (let's be honest... elementary age kids don't understand).  Looking back on it I can realize that it is a cry for attention, but then I saw it as nothing other than annoying.

Kids need their moms.  And not to say that if you grow up without one you are going to be messed up, because that isn't true.  I know lots of single fathers who raised their children well.  I'm just saying that having a mom, or a female figure to look up to, is important.

I cannot imagine the world without my mom.  She has constantly been there for me over the past 21 years of my life.  She aggravates me like no other, and knows how to get on my nerves, but at the end of the day she is probably one of my best friends.  I can tell her anything, and I never have felt like she didn't want me there.  I don't know what I would do without her.

I have been so blessed by having a great mom who has always supported me and been there for me through everything: health problems (there have been a lot of those), broken hearts, friend problems, school drama, life transitions, and more.

I love you mom!

One of my favorite Family Guy moments! ^

Achromatic or Neutral

If you could ask Jesus anything, what would it be?

I saw a picture with this question on it on a website earlier, and it really got me to thinking.... what would I ask Jesus if I could ask him one question face-to-face?

With all the current hype going on in the country, my question would probably be something a long the times of, "Is homosexuality a sin?" Just right upfront with it!

Then I got to thinking how Jesus would answer this.  It would probably be something ambiguous, like a parable, or a statement like, "What do you say it is?" or "What do I say it is?" (Jesus speaks nothing about homosexuality btw).

Not particularly helpful, but that's how Jesus often answered the people He personally came in contact with, and I kind of think that's how He answers us today.  Because maybe the answer isn't always black or white... and maybe God wants it to be that way for a reason.

We live in a culture where we want things to be finite, decisive, and concrete.  We want things to be black and white.  What if, just maybe, God wants us to think about things and maybe not reach a concrete answer?  What if his answer, when it all boils down to it, is to trust him.  As Christians we believe that God is all knowing, all knowing, all loving, and all wise.  And this doesn't go with just the homosexuality question.  It also brings me to think about the future a lot.  It reminds me of that saying, "God always answers prayers, just sometimes he answers, 'no', or 'wait".

Maybe we should just give him a little bit more control, and trust him in the grey.

The stars at night are big and bright

I love Texas.  I have lived in the Lone Star State since I was 5.  Before then I lived in New Jersey and Maryland, but I don't really remember it.  I have little memories of snow... but other than that there isn't much.  I fit the cliche saying, "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as soon as I could!"  My brother fits it better though; he was literally 3 months old when my family moved here!

I love Texas, but a lot of typical Texas stuff it has taken me a while to adjust to, being born a Yankee and all.  I don't own cowboy boots, although I really want some.  They're just super expensive!  Last semester I went to a western semi-formal wearing boots that fit, but they didn't have quite the same effect.  This past summer I started to like country music... I used to hate it.  I've started playing guitar in the last few months.  I drive all over Texas!  I35 and I are besties!  During the month of October I was in Austin the first weekend, Dallas the second, San Antonio the third, and Waco the forth... not to mention other places I've driven over the past year.

I love Texas.  I love looking out over the hills as I'm driving and just enjoying God's creation!  I love the heat (crazy yes), the bluebonnets, the Christian culture, and the barbeque.  I would not trade growing up here at all!

However, one this that I have grown to hate is that I feel like I'm thrown into a box.  Now this doesn't have to do with Texas specifically, but Texas/Baylor/Republican land/Bible belt/going into ministry....

People assume that because of all those things, that I have specific views on things.  No, just because I am a Christian, go to Baylor, and am a religion major does not mean that I hate homosexuality.  In fact, I don't.  I have a lot of good friends that are homosexual, and am pro gay marriage because of the separation of church and state.  Then it's the church's decision to marry them or not.  I am pro-choice... I don't think the government should have a say in whether I choose to abort a child or not, although I personally cannot see myself doing that.  And honestly, much to my friends and family's disdain, I am between liberal and conservative on economic issues.

I am not a republican.  I am not your typical southern Baptist Christian.  Going to Baylor has actually just made me more liberal.

I love Texas, I really really do.  I want to get married and raise a family here.  But at this stage in my life, I want to get out.  I want to experience more of the world and not be stuck inside this Christian bubble.  Don't get me wrong, I love it... it's just time to get my wings out and fly.